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Written by aehseya

December 23, 2011 at 6:55 am

Posted in Uncategorized

In summation

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2010 has been interesting. It started off with a bang, got increasingly better (with a few minor hiccups) and then just started this weird, twisting, nightmarish spiral into bad – although with plenty of isolated heart warming incidents and wonderful people that made it bearable.

It’s been a year of re-evaluation. I over-evaluated some of my closest friendships. But then I under-evaluated others. I realized I have the most amazing  network of friends who really rallied around me when I (quite literally) couldn’t stand. But I saw that this was not always done with the best of grace. Neediness annoys people and drives them away. But then there are the people who don’t ever make you feel like you’re being needy.  People are lucky to have one friend like that. I have more. And that’s really amazing.

I reevaluated myself. I looked at the friendships I pursue and those I take for granted, and I see that a lot of the friendships I pursued (or still pursue) are not worth the effort I invest in them. Yet in a lot of cases I continue to do it. I find that I have this not so praiseworthy tendency to switch people off, brutally and suddenly.  I’m not proud of it – but I can’t bring myself to feel differently or make an effort to act differently, although I know I’m causing them pain. And I believe that this will probably come back to bite me in the ass.  Most likely in the form of the friendships that I shouldn’t be a part of in any way on any level. I’m a sucker for punishment. I hang out with people who ridicule me subtly and constantly feel superior to me, although they really have no legitimate basis except their own convictions and unchangeable opinions. I know this and yet I let them get to me. Maybe I’m living my punishment. A constant state of karmic rebalancing. That’s actually kind of cool.

My job has been a rollicking roller coaster for want of a better comparison.  I love the office and the people. I’m increasingly getting frustrated with what I do. Yet I feel there is no alternative. And now I’ve decided to leave it. I’ve told everyone my plans in that way that only I would. And now I’m not sure I want to go. But I don’t like what I do. I feel unappreciated in my role. That everything I do is fairly worthless. I clearly need to make a plan.

I’m lonely. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone. It’s only lately that I’ve started feeling attractive again. I’m a little more motivated. I feel I have a pretty face although I clearly need to lose weight. But it gets to me when guys I know talk to me about other hot women as though I’m not – as though I’m just a receptacle for other people’s hotness. It always makes me feel unattractive and worthless. Although I know it shouldn’t and that this probably was not their intention. But to be a 100% honest, I don’t know that either. Their intention might just be that. If this year has taught me anything, it has been not to cement opinions and ascribe motivations. People will constantly surprise you with their kindness, their callousness, their hypocrisy and their sincerity. That line sounded very contrived, but I mean it! It’s true 🙂

I don’t know how to wrap up a post like this.  A random jotting down of thoughts, thankfulness, bitterness and sadness. It’s not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve wanted to break down, give up, cry, sever ties with people…. and I have done all these things. Yet I’ve been happy too. I’ve had moments when I feel like I could die happy at just THIS point, because everything is so perfect. And the fact that I’ve felt that more than one time means that I’ve been very lucky.  I guess this is normal. But somehow things seem so LARGE and dramatic. A broken leg. A friend who ditched when I wanted that friend the most. A friend who I no longer talk to. A friend who I love very much although I know that this friend is not really my friend and is for all events and purposes using me – whether it be for emotional support, if nothing better is available, or for future handiness.  A reconnection with my family.  A better understanding of my own fallibilities, although I don’t know what I’m going to do about them. (Insecurity being the worst of them)

I guess there is no way of ending to a post like this. It’s just one of those things. So I think I’m just going to stop now.

Writing really is cathartic.

And I love Neil Gaiman.

Written by aehseya

November 21, 2010 at 6:17 pm

Smell-itary musings

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I love how smell triggers memory.  And these days I’m constantly reminded how much I like it, because I bought a new Palmolive ‘spa treatment’ shower gel. The smell of which reminds me of the bathroom I had in Mylapore. (So by association it reminds me of ACJ and Chennai).  And it was calling for a list. So here goes. (cough cough)

My favourite smell associations:

– Perry Ellis perfume for men – reminds me of an ex boyfriend who I bought the perfume for one Christmas. I was 19 and in love 🙂 It’s nice to remember how that feels sometimes

– The christmas tree smell – Mount Jean estate! Santa Claus! A christmas song sung by a Spanish kid that I simply loved called “Mama sita donde este santa claus

– Baking. The estate again – the extremely special childhood I had. (It involved jam tarts!)

– freshly mown grass – reminds me of athletics practices and the sportsmeet

– Arrack – because it reminds me of Arrack. hahahaha and Otters. And I associate it with my university life and all the wonderful wonderful people I met during that period of time

– This one is not a favourite – but bat dung reminds me of the Colombo university hallways 😀 ( I realised in Malaysia when I visited Deer cave – home to some 10 million bats)

Written by aehseya

March 28, 2010 at 5:46 pm

Posted in random thoughts

Highlights of the year so far (a work in progress)

with 2 comments

Because I forget, and the thought of having a record of a year of my life is an exciting prospect:

January –

the 31st night party at Padukka I think I slept away most of the first – but I did wake up to check all the multimedia on the Jan 1 issue on livemint. (Professional priorities!)

The wedding. The aftermath – the night at Buba when I heard about the whole mess for the first time.

Barefoot – and how Deanne’s and my plan for some alone time there ended up with us in the middle of a rapidly expanding completely mad crowd of people that spilled over into two tables

Standing in line in immigration for over two hours because of the SL airport “Go slow” campaign – super buggers

Almost missing my flight to Delhi and trying not to panic in Lakshmi’s car

Krish and Samanth coming to meet me at the Delhi airport. and how after the initial euphoria of seeing them passed, I wanted to go back to Colombo 😦

The cold. the cold.  So delicious.

Nitu’s engagement

Pigging out at Vasant Kunj with Prerna and later Samanth

Brian visiting

Jaipur lit fest on no money. Zilch. Nada. Super fun that was.

Starting the boardgame club with Krish and Anindita

February

All my money being transferred out of my account by Citi Bank

Airtel threatening to sue me

A proper South Indian Karol bagh dinner with Krish, Ashirwad and Samanth

Two weekends with Manamee!- and watching “my name is Khan” at midnight (Pilmer at the movies 1)

American Diner and beer with Samanth and Srishti in the middle of a work afternoon. Briefly falling asleep in my chair afterwards

Cafe Morrison on samanth’s birthday (for reasons good and bad)

Slow realizations that make me sad 😦

The budget 2010

March

Jaipur – Holi, awesome food, great conversations, lots of sleep, tarot cards

Rock band WITH drums!

China Mieville!!!! Hooray!

Renting out an AC – hahahaha summer – BRING IT!

Husna literally landing up on my doorstep – all the sight seeing that went with it. A very drunk night at Route 04

An hour glass from Prerna 🙂

Shaoli’s party – meeting Naheed again!

Ajmer – 17 hours of traveling in one day

Sri Lankan dinner with Priya – getting bitten by veto the monster pup

Getting all of Calvin and Hobbes on handy bugger

News that Manamee was moving here

Drinking at Paharganj with Ashirwad, Krish, Sarthak and Avinash – 4 large rums, 1 small, lots of fried fish at a shady place near the station – being unable to walk straight.

Getting an unexpected bonus in my bank account!

Going to Mumbai! Manamee meeting me at the airport.

April

– Bombay! Bombay! Bombay! – Going to Thane (Eternity Spaces!)for two days – making weird lime based vodka cocktails, coming up with a drinking game using a five year old’s whiteboard and dice. Eating all the food in Sudeep’s fridge. Sucking at Ludo so badly – the sixes just eluded me! Drinking like a fish. Pomfret fry and beer with Manamee. A reflexology foot massage. Cafe Leopolds and bullet holes in the pillars. Hard Rock cafe.  Sudeep giving me his ipod. (I named her charity)

– skullcandy earphones.

– Getting a promotion!!!!

– Subha coming to visit. Durga getting chicken pox!

– Finalizing the fact that Manamee would be living with me for 6 months

– Finding Sleek Lil’ Bitch!

– Anindita’s party

May

Nitu’s bachelorette party

Nitu moving out, Manamee moving in

Unni’s ‘surprise’ visit – Manamee’s reaction when she saw him, American Diner, Rockman’s beer island, Route 04 and Karims with a whole bunch of boisterous ACJ alumni, Cocoberry and Swagath. Also lazing around for hours the following day.

Manamee’s birthday and blueberry cake. Vichitra’s visit and  resultant Toblerone.

Postponing my trip to Sri Lanka

Manamee’s promotion not working out as planned. Her desicion to go back home.

Nitu’s wedding! Train tickets not working out to Dehradun, the crazy midnight bus ride with SK, having to take an even more bizarre bus from Rishikesh, the guest house, the dogs, red sari, bangle shopping, jaw breakers, sagai, wedding, guesthouse, dogs,

Written by aehseya

February 26, 2010 at 7:31 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

loser.

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“my time is a piece of wax falling on a termite – that’s choking on the splinters.”

No literally. This is a list of things I’ve lost in Delhi and the circumstances surrounding their ‘disappearances’.

1. Cellphones x04

First – left in office. The tragic thing is I realised after I had got downstairs, but I was too lazy to go back up, so I thought I would just get it the next day. It wasn’t there the next day. (unfortunate companion – Krish)

2. This phone actually lasted a while. It got lost in the Select City walk movie theatre in Saket, somewhere between the movies “Star Trek” and “Angels and Demons”. (unfortunate companion – Samanth)

3. Cheap Samsung phone. Was left in an auto on the way back home after a drink in Khan market. Sad thing is I checked for the phone on the wayhome and it was there, so I don’t know where I lost it. (unfortunate companion – Nitu)

4. Same story as 3. Different Auto. Got a call while approaching South Ex. So again I dont know where I lost it. and this is three weeks after losing the other phone. (unfortunate companion – Samanth)

2. Credit cards x 02

1. At Blues after paying for drinks. (unfortunate companion – Ashirwad)

2. This is part of item 3. Read on.

3. Wallet x 01

Left in an auto between the top of my lane and my house. With credit card, Media card, PAN card, 1000 INR, debit/ATM card.  (all by myself)

4. i-pod touch x 01

Was on my table and was no longer there after we returned from a meeting. (victim – Durga)

5. Plastic lunch containers x many

Much to the wrath of my maid and the exasperation of Nitu.

6. Phone charger x 01

Left in Bombay after trip to visit friends. At least they can use it now.

7. Mp3 player x 01

Mysteriously disappeared somewhere in West Patel Nagar. Only one reported sighting = when I was moving in.

will update as soon as I lose something else. Maybe my mind if I keep this up.

Written by aehseya

November 22, 2009 at 6:00 am

Posted in Delhi

Things I’ve learned in Delhi

with 2 comments

Update: Travelling by bus here is actually pretty nice. But it’s not summer yet, so we shall see

1. AC is not necessarily a luxury – it can damn well be a necessity

2. Eating alone in restaurants is not the horrific thing I once thought it was.  Its actually one of the things I now enjoy doing most.

3. Drivers are homicidal freaks who WILL run you over so stop playing chicken with them on the roads

4. People think its weird to eat bandakka with rice – so my maid refuses to make it for me

5. Waiters and shopkeepers are so used to being treated with disdain and aggression that a smiling please and thank you can work wonders

6. Auto drivers are not all unscrupulous ass holes. Just most of them.

7. Halloween is bound to catch on in a big way – the “look at me” culture here can only foster it

Written by aehseya

November 4, 2009 at 4:37 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

Dilli meri Jaan: the seasons are changing

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The end of the year is coming and my thoughts are turning homewards. Not that they were not before, but I’d like to think that my thoughts now are rooted in happy comfortable sanity rather than summer heat induced hysteria.

The weather in Delhi has cooled down considerably and for the first time in what feels like years, I’m really enjoying myself. I’m no longer the sad and miserable person I was barely 8 weeks ago, dragging my mattress on to the balcony to vainl attempt to get some semblance of sleep. The heat here is unrelenting. unforgiving. A heat that doesn’t let up in the night is to my mind a heat born of Dantes inferno no less. Add to that heat a persistently bad back and other niggling problems like chest cold and body ache and coughs and what you have is a recipe for depression. The period from June to September I think were the worst months of my life. And when you’re down there baby, there’s no one to lift you out of it. No one wants to hear constant complaining and really all I seemed to be doing was whining. In retrospect I’m hugely surprised that I have any friends left in Delhi at all. Every time I said “I want to go home”, I think they were silently saying “yes… please!”

But the second half of October has changed all that, leaving in the wake of summer a much happier Islander who is slightly convinced that she must be psychotic to let the weather affect her so. Unbearable evenings have been replaced with chilly dusks, perfect for eating outside or for grabbing a drink with some friends. Plans seem much more feasible, people are much more bearable and the city even looks nicer! In fact I found myself staring at a DTC bus with something approaching affection until I caught the thought and sternly asked myself what the hell I was thinking.

I have also discovered the joy of kababs in Nizamudeen (thanks to the fact that Krish has moved there) and Pork curry and Thukpa in Dilli Haat. Momos remain a strong favourite and for some reason I feel that mojito’s round off the equation very nicely thank you.

I’m not so concerned about my savings (or the lack thereof), I’m zen about the job and future prospects (I have made peace with the fact that I have zero ambition – for now, anyway) and I’m going home for christmas!

The thought of the beach, of seeing the much loved and the much missed (you know who you are) and just eating familiar food makes me deliriously happy, while the prospect of a 2 day stop in Madras excites me just as much. All that is some time away, and the wait would ordinarily have me in the throes of torture but for the fact that this interim period is so nice. Many more walks in chilly nippy weather, many more drinks, food while sitting outside…

I’m almost beginning to feel some love for this place.

Written by aehseya

November 1, 2009 at 6:50 pm

Posted in Delhi

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