bottom down

I intended this post to be a thought provoking comment on independence, what it means, the role of the nation state (with oblique reference to Benedict Anderson and the imagined community) and nationalism. But somehow I can’t seem to gather my thoughts enough to write in the lucid and structured style that a post of that nature deserves. To be honest I’m a bit overwhelmed, more than a little disillusioned and honestly in some sense I feel I have too much to say - but not enough. Everyone knows about the abductions, the bombings, the violence and the almost complete descent into anarchy that make the celebration of 60 years of independence of the democratic socialist republic of Sri Lanka seem like someone’s idea of a very sick joke. But that is not what gets to me - what really gets to me is the almost hopeless cheerfulness of the people at home that to me exemplifies the tragedy of everything that’s WRONG with everything I intended to write about. That is, independence, what it means, the role of the nation state (with oblique reference to Benedict Anderson and the imagined community) and nationalism. “you should be here - it’s like Iraq” laughed my brother when I called him yesterday. “Anyway how are you doing???”

And thats how it is. For many of us. The bombs, the explosions, the check points, the knowledge that everytime you step out of the house it may be the last time you do it. And this knowledge has become such a big part of our lives that on some level its not the over arching, all dominating, life changing factor that you would expect it to be. It lurks in the background, hides in the sub conscious and manifests itself in the strangest ways: crude jokes, an almost desperate attempt to have fun, and a level of apathy that can come across as nothing short of callous and insensitive to people outside of the situation. (such as a lot of my Indian friends who have stared at me incredulously as I almost tiredly dismiss their sincerely concerned questions that usually border on “Is your family ok in Colombo?” which I quite frankly don’t know how to respond to)

And the thing is, for WHAT goddammit? Why do we have to be in this situation at all? Why all this blood shed over a portion of 65,525 square km which most of us have never visited and probably never will? Why this obsession with territorial integrity, Sinhala (or Tamil) nationalism and everything all our independence day celebrations represent? That is the march past. The fiery political speeches. The little flags that come free with every issue of every newspaper. The supplements. the tributes to our forefathers (ironically in the language of the colonizer). The flags waving from houses and cars. what does it all represent in the end?

And this is not even a lament - its just an extension of apathy in a sense. Who screwed with our minds this way and why do we have to suffer for it? Call me an idealist. Call me anti nationalist. Accuse me of buying into treacherous ideology. Tell me I have no right to say any of this. Tell me whatever. In a lot of ways I’m just tired.

Unni. You are my inspiration for this post. And no, this is not one of those weepy and cute blog posts that will make him (and the people around him) go all teary eyed and say awwwww… how cute! What a wonderful friendship! I want a friend just like Ayeshea who will write blog posts inspired by me! (That would be the other people not him) Not that all this is not true in abstract - its just not relevant here. Unni inspired me because he was sitting at the second cornermost computer near the door and writing a blog entry. And I thought “gosh and heck.. if he must do it then so must I”.
We’re sitting here - Manamee, Unni, and I - and we’re waiting to go to this little shop that sells chillie beef and parata for dinner along with Sudeep, as per the unspoken arrangement that we have to end the day together. Nikhil’s playing his “arty” music in the background, having recently become the proud owner of a ten ruble coin from the Soviet Union. In due acknowledgment of the great event, we are tolerating the music. It is one of those completely inane and nothing moments - but somehow I know its one of those absolutely blissful ‘nothing’ times that I know I will remember once ACJ is over and done with and nothing but a reminiscence to friends who really wont give a rats ass about what I did or who played what music, ate where or did what. It’s these moments that are the great ones - where the people around you are the ones you are most comfortable with and you are just completely happy though not in a particularly active way. And you dont even realize that you are, until you either remember it, or recount it, like I’m doing now.
I’m glad I have this moment - this time here - in lab 3 on the computer next to Unni who is writing about some band (in turn sitting next to Manamee who is engrossed in a book and hopefully over the fact that I didn’t come to Fab India to pick a present for Arpita’s birthday tomorrow) And now in a while we’ll go have our Chillie beef and go home - and not properly interact with each other till around dinner time tomorrow - and it will be another day less in which we have to do it.
( sigh)

“I hope you dance” by Leanne Womack has one great line - “I hope you still feel small when you stand beside the ocean” - Being all of 5′2″, I feel small most times - but having grown up in my “tiny island nation” as my Imperialist friends like to call it, I know exactly what she means. One thing about Chennai, is that its a coastal city, which means I dont suffer the withdrawal symptoms that afflict my Bangalore and other land bound friends so frequently. And somehow I never fail to appreciate the sea - never. Yesterday was no exception - ok, so Marina Beach may have much too much sand and the water too far away and the pineapple was a tad too raw (I expressed these opinions much to Karthik’s outrage - I think he owns the Marina food franchise).. but somehow just sitting near the water and watching the waves and occasionally the ships, makes everything seem worthwhile and yet so insignificant in importance. It’s a bit dangerous actually, because its this kind of mood that actually makes people ask questions like “Who am I?” and ‘Why am I here?”, which I somehow prefer to leave unanswered. But also it allows you to ignore the grumpy people who get upset about trivial things like “I cant believe you guys were eating mango while we were walking around looking for you” - pish taw I say. Get over it.