In summation
2010 has been interesting. It started off with a bang, got increasingly better (with a few minor hiccups) and then just started this weird, twisting, nightmarish spiral into bad – although with plenty of isolated heart warming incidents and wonderful people that made it bearable.
It’s been a year of re-evaluation. I over-evaluated some of my closest friendships. But then I under-evaluated others. I realized I have the most amazing network of friends who really rallied around me when I (quite literally) couldn’t stand. But I saw that this was not always done with the best of grace. Neediness annoys people and drives them away. But then there are the people who don’t ever make you feel like you’re being needy. People are lucky to have one friend like that. I have more. And that’s really amazing.
I reevaluated myself. I looked at the friendships I pursue and those I take for granted, and I see that a lot of the friendships I pursued (or still pursue) are not worth the effort I invest in them. Yet in a lot of cases I continue to do it. I find that I have this not so praiseworthy tendency to switch people off, brutally and suddenly. I’m not proud of it – but I can’t bring myself to feel differently or make an effort to act differently, although I know I’m causing them pain. And I believe that this will probably come back to bite me in the ass. Most likely in the form of the friendships that I shouldn’t be a part of in any way on any level. I’m a sucker for punishment. I hang out with people who ridicule me subtly and constantly feel superior to me, although they really have no legitimate basis except their own convictions and unchangeable opinions. I know this and yet I let them get to me. Maybe I’m living my punishment. A constant state of karmic rebalancing. That’s actually kind of cool.
My job has been a rollicking roller coaster for want of a better comparison. I love the office and the people. I’m increasingly getting frustrated with what I do. Yet I feel there is no alternative. And now I’ve decided to leave it. I’ve told everyone my plans in that way that only I would. And now I’m not sure I want to go. But I don’t like what I do. I feel unappreciated in my role. That everything I do is fairly worthless. I clearly need to make a plan.
I’m lonely. It’s been so long since I’ve been with someone. It’s only lately that I’ve started feeling attractive again. I’m a little more motivated. I feel I have a pretty face although I clearly need to lose weight. But it gets to me when guys I know talk to me about other hot women as though I’m not – as though I’m just a receptacle for other people’s hotness. It always makes me feel unattractive and worthless. Although I know it shouldn’t and that this probably was not their intention. But to be a 100% honest, I don’t know that either. Their intention might just be that. If this year has taught me anything, it has been not to cement opinions and ascribe motivations. People will constantly surprise you with their kindness, their callousness, their hypocrisy and their sincerity. That line sounded very contrived, but I mean it! It’s true 
I don’t know how to wrap up a post like this. A random jotting down of thoughts, thankfulness, bitterness and sadness. It’s not been an easy year by any stretch of the imagination. I’ve wanted to break down, give up, cry, sever ties with people…. and I have done all these things. Yet I’ve been happy too. I’ve had moments when I feel like I could die happy at just THIS point, because everything is so perfect. And the fact that I’ve felt that more than one time means that I’ve been very lucky. I guess this is normal. But somehow things seem so LARGE and dramatic. A broken leg. A friend who ditched when I wanted that friend the most. A friend who I no longer talk to. A friend who I love very much although I know that this friend is not really my friend and is for all events and purposes using me – whether it be for emotional support, if nothing better is available, or for future handiness. A reconnection with my family. A better understanding of my own fallibilities, although I don’t know what I’m going to do about them. (Insecurity being the worst of them)
I guess there is no way of ending to a post like this. It’s just one of those things. So I think I’m just going to stop now.
Writing really is cathartic.
And I love Neil Gaiman.
